OK, bands, while you spend all of your
time trying to write the songs that will change the world and re-invent
the music industry, you have completely forgotten to shower, shave, and
eat something other than ramen noodles. Your appearance is suffering.
Yeah, yeah, we know you aren't about appearances and fashion is shallow
and all that crap, but while you're up on stage playing your life-altering
music, we are the ones that have to look at you. Out of consideration
for the dozen people that show up to hear you play, here's a few ways
to go easy on the eyes.
WASH THYSELF
This should be a given, and yet showering remains an elusive concept to
bands. I'm not saying you need a spa treatment with a seaweed wrap and
exfoliates. A simple bar of Irish Spring and some tap water will do just
fine. Lather, rinse, repeat. What’s that you say? You're on tour
and you can't shower every day? Take aforementioned bar of Irish Spring
into gas station bathroom, strip, and wash thy butt, balls, armpits, and
face. Pack a washcloth in your bag for this very occasion. Need more inspiration?
No groupie will EVER go down on you if your dick smells. Shower.
NO LEATHER PANTS
The 80's are over, but not over long enough for your leather pants to
be considered “retro”. And since you are a starving artist,
I highly doubt the leather pants you own were a premeditated purchase.
They are most likely an ill-fitting hand-me-down or made of plastic. Either
way, you look like an ass, so make the leather pants disappear.
NO GAS STATION GEAR
I wish I knew where this little trend originated so I could hunt that
jackass down and kick his teeth in. I have been watching boys wander around
in Gas Station Attendant gear for nearly 13 years. Do you think you are
being clever? It ain't clever if every Hipster Art-Fag out there is doing
it. DO NOT wear their clothing unless you ARE a gas station attendant.
That is, just until you make it big with your music, right? What's next?
Nurse’s uniforms? Chef's hats?
NO SLOGANS OR CAUSES
You would laugh at a guy wearing a World's Greatest Dad t-shirt, right?
Well, we're laughing at you when you wear stupid t-shirts too. People
don't need clothing to speak to them. So ditch the clothes that tell me
to Vote, Fuck Off, Save Animals, or Eat Soy. The corresponding symbols
for these expressions are also lame. Best to play your music and leave
your opinions out of it.
NO SUNGLASSES AFTER DUSK
You are not Jack Nicholson. At times, even he looks like a dweeb with
his sunglasses on in the middle of the night. So if Jack can't pull it
off, you sure as hell can't. Stop trying.
NO STUPID HAIR DYE
Manic Panic was real nifty when you were 12. “Look at me, Mom! My
hair is pink!” You are no longer 12. Grow up, and knock off the
ridiculous dye jobs. Oh, and to the next up and coming wannabe Goth band,
black hair does not make you scary. It makes you look like you need to
be fed intravenously.
NO FACIAL PUBES
I realize that FINALLY hitting puberty at 23 years old was a big deal
for you but must you celebrate by sprouting a half-assed goatee? Most
of you fuckers are blond and you don't even manage to grow a real goatee,
just some unruly chin fuzz. Give up now. Shave that crap off.
BUTTON YOUR SHIRTS
How many long haired, shiny shirt wearing retards have we seen posing
for their promo pictures with their shirts unbuttoned exposing their glossy
man-tits for the world to see? The most common problems with these stunts
are as follows: You have no rippling pectorals because you don't eat and
who wants to see Kate Moss's ugly cousin with his shirt off? You don't
shower and your bumper crop of chest acne is casting unwanted shadows.
You look like the love child of Fabio and Janice Dickenson. Not good.
