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The Drug Induced Seizure Dancers
Of course it's flattering to know that your music inspires people to cut
a rug, but when the spoken word poetry pot head and her two hemp wearing
side-kicks begin convulsing to the beat, front row, dead center, you have
a problem. Suddenly, nobody is paying attention to your music. They are
all just staring, mouths agape, at the freak show in the front row. The
best way to handle this is to offer them $5 to run your merch table and
purchase your rights to a seizure-free audience.
Band Humpers
You know the ones I’m talking about. They show up. They have big
knockers They make you laugh a bit, and after a few swigs from wine-in-a-box
they are ready to mate. Not bad, right? Well, faster than you can say
"My car or yours?" she’s played “Hop On Pop”
with your entire band, the roadies, and even that fan you thought was
gay. Now the vortex of drama begins, complete with several "you stole
her from me!" fights, an abortion, a few bouts of herpes, and a broken
heart or two. Meanwhile, little miss cum-dumpster has moved on to some
other band, leaving your little world in ruin. What’s the moral
of the story? Don't welcome the town mattress into your universe unless
you have the stamina to clean up the mess she leaves behind.
The Whack Jobs
Be wary of any groupie that does the following:
-Groupies that go to every show. EVERY show. Even the song fest you played
for your parents on their anniversary... in their living room.
-Groupies that know every last detail about your personal life. For instance,
if some chick knows that you listen to Silent Lucidity alone in your room
clutching your teddy bear every time it rains, she has to go.
-Groupies that go through your trash. Unless you happen to have homeless,
starving groupies that live in cardboard boxes, trash snooping is not
cool.
-Groupies that are over the age of 35. We have a word for band-obsessed
losers that are old enough to give up on having children; Stalkers. They
want your seed. Get rid of them.
-Groupies that piss off your girlfriends. You know what those fights can
be like, and they’re not worth it. An ounce of prevention is worth
a pound of cure.
"audience relations" or "backstage manager" Groupie
This is the chick that shows up does some merch, some flyers, some mailers and
before you realize it she has moved in, changed her address, and dubbed herself
"media liaison." Hell she even somehow managed to get her own e-mail address on
your web page. So there you are with your cock in hand asking yourself out loud
"What the fuck?" What started out as some free labor and a blowjob has now turned
into a permanent fixture, who nags because you have no shower in that rehearsal
space you call home. Even worse, you can't fire her because you never hired her
and now you're stuck with a hall monitor that believes your band would fall apart
without her presence. When you do finally get rid of her she only becomes the
Whack Job Groupie as described above.
I Heart Your Band 4 Ever
These are the fucking High
School kids who have decided if your shitty band breaks up they have no reason to
go on living. They have your stickers on their backpacks, trapper-keepers, composition
notebook journals, and most likely on the crotch of their panties. As cute as these
wee little hamsters might be, just recall the fate of poor old Professor Humbert and keep your distance.
The Understudies
These people show up, fall in love with your music, learn every note on every instrument,
and then hope and pray for one of you to get decapitated by a speeding bus so they can fill
your shoes. These buzzards will hang around for eons just waiting for one of you to fall ill,
quit, go off on a solo career, or get a real job. So be wary of fans that mutter "Flu? Looks
like cancer to me. I know a great doctor in Brazil…"
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